Lost in Wonderland

2002-06-25T07:14:00.000-07:00

somedays i think about my relationship with sp0n and i wonder if it's right. being miles apart takes its toil. i've never been in a relationship where someone loves me much more than i do them. a friend, amm0n whom i shared about this said that it didnt matter because u can't go around feeling like the other party loves more or less. perhaps its true. love has no quantity. and i should count myself lucky. sometimes i feel stifled. it's odd since ive been dreaming about this for the longest time. yet i feel guilty when i can't be around (even if its being online). i love him very much and i dont know what i'd do w/o him. yet i can't help but feel those things. well, the future's not ours to see.

on a lighter note. hitlermen won the koreans to play the finals in the world cup. my latest idol. Michael Ballack. www.michael-ballack.com
gawd he's grogeous!

bleh.. i hate that asian women are all petite and small. i feel like a cow.

2002-06-20T08:24:00.000-07:00

take free enneagram test

Point Four - The Romantic

Worldview: Something essential is missing from life. I'll be complete if I can just find it.

Unconscious Drive: Envy

Gift: Uniqueness and Emotional Intensity.

Fours have a singular ability to be present with life's more intense situations: grief, death, depression. Through their understanding of dark nights of the soul, they accompany others on the journey. Romantics model that you will eventually get through the difficult times, and illuminate the riches to be found in the depths. Fours brings originality and creativity to any enterprise. Often blessed with a strong sense of the dramatic and/or aesthetic, they prefer to make a unique contribution in life.

Dark side of the gift:
Romantics crave emotional intensity and connection. Their highs and lows can be perceived as "too much" for the other types. A tendency toward dramatic presentation and affect can alienate other people. The Fours' attraction to melancholy and the "darker" emotions can seem like wallowing to the rest of us. At its worst, melancholy can slide into depression. Insistence on exhibiting their uniqueness or difference can be counterproductive to their own goals and offputting to others.

Internal terrain:
A Four feels that something is missing in his/her life. Other people have it and the Romantic envies them. The Four longs for the missing element that will make them whole. There is a bittersweet flavor to Four's longing and melancholy. They crave a deep connection where they will be met emotionally. Authenticity is found in intense feeling states. If Four can't find what will complete them, at least they will have intensity. Ordinariness is akin to a sort of death. Love and survival depend on being true to one's inner emotional terrain.

2002-06-20T05:55:00.000-07:00

"It's incredible that someone so unforgetable thinks that i am unforgetable too" - Sinatra, Frank

My hormones are definately out of sorts. This morning i felt like the crappiest piece of stinking carp and now i am feeling on top of the world. completed some paperwork, thought out some lesson plans and objectives. listening to good ol' frank sinatra helps make the mood extra perky.
and yes, it's unbelievable that sp0n loves me so. sometimes i wonder if all this is just a dream. sometimes i feel stiffled. sometimes i miss him so much. sometimes i wish he'd just dissapear. but above all, i love him too. yet i feel like he loves me much more than i can ever love him. but gloom once said, "it doesn't matter." and i guess comparing doesnt make any difference. what counts is that we both know we love each other. and love, well love surpasses everythoing else. oh i could go on but i'll save my mushy words for him :)

2002-06-19T07:15:00.000-07:00

Du siehst, ich will viel

You see, I want a lot.
Maybe I want it all:
the darkness of each endless fall,
the shimmering light of each ascent.

So many are alive who don't seem toc are.
Casual, easy, the move in the world
as though untouched.

But you take pleasure in the faces
of those who know they thirst.
You cherish those
who grip you for survival.

You are not dead yet, it's not too late
to open your depths by plunging into them
and drink in the life
the reveals itself quietly there.

- Rainer Maria Rilke

somehow i find my faith on shaky grounds. i miss the friendship i used to have with God yet it is me who walked away. i need to find my way back. sometimes i feel like i'm groppling in the dark when the switch is in my hands. how foolish can one get? yet i am the foolish man (or rather, woman).

2002-06-18T06:11:00.000-07:00

g33kg33kg33k i am :D yes i finally managed to network the two computers and share the inet within. not a big deal but hey it was my first time and it took awhile for me to figure it out. but i did it! heh.. ok so now we have two users surfing the internet which would mean slower surfing speed although there isnt much significant drop so far. heh enough geek talk. i rest.

2002-06-17T22:41:00.000-07:00

just as i got the design i want and decided i could start on my first entry i am dumbfounded. what do i say? i do have alot to say and usually i am never without words. but first entries are hard because the beginning of anything is always difficult and unsure. we grow stronger with time. i will write more with time. (you can count on i).